July 7th, 2003
i got something to do for the holidays. finally.
i gonna sell books.
well, what else?! *smiles*
it's a small bookshop just a few blocks away from the campus.
i've been there before and today i saw this sign outside their door and of course i couldn't resist.
i like the shop. it's small, has a nice atmosphere. and one of my favorite cafes is just around the corner. yes, it's perfect.
i was at the house today, after i hadn't for ages and they have a few very intersting workshops throughout the summer going on, which i gonna take part in. at least in a few.
so, i won't have time dating up my journal a lot i think.
but you know i'm still around, either at the house, at the bookshop, at home or at paula's.
and adia, come see me at work some day. i think i haven't introduced you to this cafe. you'll love it.
July 1st, 2003
meeting up with adia was a good thing to do. i've missed her and it felt good to see her again.
sat in the park, leaned back into the sun, talked, a lot. randomly, soft slides from one topic to the next without wondering how we ended up there. it's wonderful to just let your thoughts travel freely without minding to take control over it.
'unfettered creativity is one of the most powerful manifestations of subversion possible. for it offers us all a taste of freedom.'
does that fit?! i don't know, but it suddenly came to my mind.
she had her camera with her and now i understand how people can get addicted to zoomlenses *smile*. watching someone so closely without the person being aware of it is a fantastic thing to do; not very nice, i know, but very inspiring.
talking of cameras: the director is back from 'my personal nightmare' as he like to call it *smile*. lij had picked him up, brought him over back to paulas where we -paula and me- had already prepared some food. kay almost cried out of happiness, i think *smile*. he looked pale and fragile still, but with a bright smile on his face it didn't look that pityful anymore. very glad he's doing better again.
i'm at my place currently, for a change. had to do some stuff to do here today - writing some letters i already should have written a few days ago mainly. letters to friends from home, who i've neglected a bit.
someone is playing 'colourblind' by counting crows somewhere next doors. one of the most beautiful songs i can think of. but i wish i wouldn't hear it right now. doesn't increase any happy thoughts.
got to finish the letters now.
music: 'colourblind' somewhere next door
June 24th, 2003
i have been quiet the last days, weeks, i know.
but i don't feel like writing much at the moment.
at least nothing which would be worth posting. not even a usal entry.
i write, but it's all kind of pointless.
my room is covered with papers filled with cryptic writing bits.
i let my mind run free, but only uncohenrent words come out.
i don't mind.
i feel kind of tired recently. like a sleepiness in my head i can't get rid off.
i collect my thoughts, these short bits. maybe later, when i don't feel that tired anymore, i can put them together to something less pointless.
i'm still over at paula's and kay's quiet a lot. or i'm outside in the park.
reading most of the time. i can't get myself up to do anything more exciting or something.
as i said, it's this sleepiness in my head.
kay's in hospital. not doing very well over there. it's not just his knee, but i think it's being in the hospital itself that puts him into a kind of miserable state. he looks pale and somehow fragile, from the inside. being there seem to drain him really much. poor boy. hope he'll be able to leave really soon. gonna visit him tomorrow again, see how he's doing after the operation.
paula is cooking at the moment and i'm sitting outside on the balcony.
it's a beautiful night. feels good, in general.
*smiles* we're behaving like a couple: having a candle light dinner outside on the balcony in a soft summer night.
gonna take care of the wine now.
music: placebo - i'll be yours
June 3rd, 2003
yes, it's 3 a.m.
and no, i'm not sleeping.
i just came back from a long night time walk,
and i'm at home in my room now.
but i don't feel good around here.
don't know why.
i assume paula and kay are asleep already,
otherwise i'd go back over to them.
but so i'll try to find some sleep in my own bed now.
May 31st, 2003
i'm at paula's atm. of course. i'm a lot at paulas currently. her flat is simply so much better to spend the summer in then the deserted dorm. i'm a bit disappointed about myself that i hadn't had the same idea as kay, earlier´; to move in here for the next months. dammit, i'd say. *smile*
but well, the flat is also big enough for three people, there's a nice sofa in the kitchen on which i can fall asleep when i don't want to go back to my room at night anymore and they don't mind me being around cause i'm doing the washing up and some cleaning. *smile*
paula is at the theater right now, for rehearsals, as usual and kay just came back from lij's and is now dozing off on the balcony. i hope he does not fall off the chair. *smile*
i'm sitting at the kitchen table right now, took over kay's laptop to write this entry.
i love this kitchen, with it's big windows, the balcony and the beautiful view across downtown. and i love how it smells, like flowers and green and nature. you wouldn't tell when you see jimmy, always playing the tough guy and such, but he's a real geek over every sort of flowers and so this flat has flowers at every window, on every cupboard, in every room. i like it, it makes everything appear fresh and clean. and yes, it lets the flat smell like it, fresh, clean, summer and green and all that. the only thing which doesn't smell so nice it this enourmous flower in his bathroom, it's like 1.50m high already, smells very bitter and disgusting and has these kind of leafs which makes me a bit unsure about this flower anyway *wink*.
i thought about what i can do for the summer. and i couldn't think of anything which would seems to be very attractive for me to do. i'd like to have some sort of project i can work on. or just a nice job would do it *smile* haven't found anything, which would be worth it to waste a summer for. i'll go for a walk later today; i need to buy kay's birthday present, a book, of course, i already have a few ideas just need to buy it; anyway, i'll go for a walk later, buy the book and see if i can find a job somewhere around. or not. we'll see.
oh, kay's awake...he fell off the chair *smile* but i don't think he'll remember later, cause he's basically still sleeping, now on the sofa. and within seconds a soft snorring fills the room.
i gonna go now, leave kay to his dreams.
May 25th, 2003
yesterday reminded me of this conversation with adia.
an other half
isn't that overly romantic?
too romantic to ever be found?!
i'd like to believe there might be something like that
but i actually don't.
or i actually didn't.
maybe i do now.
or at least i'm closer to believe that there can be an other half.
and that it can be found.
i'm closer to this thought now.
but still, it's just seems to be rediculously perfect finding a, the, your soulmate.
maybe. i don't know.
maybe i want and don't at the same moment.
because it's so easy and so complicated at once.
and i can't deal.
music: asian dub foundation - 1000 mirrors
May 24th, 2003
so, exams are finished. it was alright.
and now it's over, for the next three months.
and i don't know what to do.
i'm not going home, i can't afford the money, and i have been over two month ago anyway.
i've talked to paula at the phone yesterday, she offered me to stay at their house for the summer; 'so that you aren't alone too much.' *smile* sometimes she can be so motherly.
i'll think about that.
i gonna go over to that little cafe near cambridge-bridge, have coffee and write a bit, sitting back in this corner near the window. i haven't done that for too long.
May 22nd, 2003
the exams are going well so far.
though i don't get much sleep.
but i didn't expect it otherwise *smile*.
the film making was great.
and it felt good to do some acting again; liked the role of basil.
i'm very excited about seeing the final version of it.
i'm sure it will be wonderful, sam did a good job as director.
talking about diretors;
i think i'll drop by kay's now.
'english 2nd language' exam tomorrow,
i'm pretty sure he's planing on working for that through out the night as well,
so we could do that together, maybe.
i'll have another exam tomorrow as well,
not very perfect organisation,
but that exam will be alright i think.
basically don't have to work for that at all.
can focus on 2nd language.
i miss adia.
haven't talked to her really for too long.
music: cafe del mare
May 14th, 2003
|02:33 am - destination anywhere|
i like bus riding. sometimes i just take a bus, no matter where it goes, and ride. through town. for hours. i usually sit in the back of the bus, in the corner at the window, cause from there i can see everything. i can see who comes in, at which station, and when they leave again.
you can learn very much about a town when you explore it by bus. you can tell a lot about a certain place of the town when you look at the people who get on the bus at this station, or also the other way round, which people leave at which station. for example you know exactly where the business center is from the business people who get off the bus at that station, or where a college campus is. it's very simple. you can do this with every part of town, and with every town.
it's the most effective way to get to know a new place.
i like buses, more then subway. i feel i'm more in it, in the town, with the people of this town, with the spirit, if you want to call it like that.
sometimes i get on the bus and ride when i want to do some thinking. especially at night, or at least when it's dark. i don't know exactly why. maybe because i love citys at night.
i took a ride today. i sat in the bus, which leaves at the bus station near campus. it drives a long circle through basically whole boston, and it takes about two and a half hours to finish this circle. it's perfect.
i sat in the back, had my headphones plugged in.
i can't think of a better place for doing some thinking, at night, in a back of a bus, listening to music. creating a microcosmos around you, your own little world, for a limited time, in a place which, in my opinion, couldn't be anymore belong to reality.
it's like belonging and at the same time not. i like that.
i usually never talk to people. i just sit in the back of the bus, looking outside, watching lights fly by, watching the people in the bus through the reflection of in the window. it's very quiet in these night buses, people don't talk, not if they don't know each other. strangers don't talk to strangers, at least not at night, not on buses.
they didn't do tonight. noone said a word. not the woman in front, with her red coat and her black hair, not the elderly man two seats behind her, he seemed to be tired and just focused on the window, maybe on his mirrored face, i don't know, absendmindedly. the young girl, who, when i glanced at her through the window, smiled at me shyly, she didn't talk either. the elderly couple, two middle aged woman, they all didn't made a noise, lost in thoughts.
it was quiet.
well, it wasn't quiet for me, as i had my headphones plugged in, but i felt it. even the bus itself seemed to be quiet, drive quietly.
i don't like music video clips, and it feels really strange when you feel as if you would be in one suddenly, for some seconds.
music, a song, has a certain mood to it, of course, and in a video clip, the people who act there are in this 'song mood', the same mood at the same time, everyone. this will never happen like that in reality. but if it does, it feels weird.
the melancholy voice of the singer in my ear told his story, about how he wouldn't1 know where he was going and why he had left. how the girl slowly turned her head to look outside, how the elderly man blinked tiredly at his own reflection, and how the middleaged womans eyes were absentmindedly fixed at the drivers back, how they did it all at the same time. it just fit. as if they all had the same thoughts, about going but didn't know where to. just like the song. i glanced outside at that moment, and even the city had the same thought. i don't know why i felt that it would, but i did.
for some seconds, this was a video clip, where everyone felt the same, was in the mood of the song.
for this blink of a moment, everyone was included in my microcosmos, cause basically i was the only one who heard the song and was in that mood. noone else could hear it and feel it, but they seemed to do nevertheless.
i know, i talked long, a lot and couldn't make myself clear though.
it was a strange experience, felt weird, odd, but, i don't know, good for some seconds.
it was so weird it felt good already again.
the song is 'i stopped to fill my car in' by sterephonics, in case you want to know.
music: stereophonics - i stopped...
May 7th, 2003
'the masque of the red death'
shadows of red flames
dancing on masked faces
be the bird
behind which feathers you hide
laugh and dance
fly and sing
to be what you ever wanted to be
May 2nd, 2003
|02:46 pm - big brother is watching you|
i see you
i watch you
i spy you
i hope you don't see me
i want you to feel unwatched
just like you do
when you're alone with yourself
when you forget about
behaving well in front of other people
when your door is closed
and your secret, unknown behaviors come out
don't hear me gasping
when i watch you pulling back your hair and exposing your neck to me
don't see my lip start trembling of anticipation
when i watch you holding up your pajama for getting ready to sleep
don't hear me breathing hard
when i watch your shadow on the curtain closely with my photo lens getting undressed
don't see me
just like you do when you're alone with yourself
i watch you
you don't know
you don't know
that i know you
i know how you are
when you're alone
i watch you closely
you can't see me
i don't want you to see me
but i want to see you
and i do
even behind close curtains
and locked doors
i'm with you
April 23rd, 2003
i had to get back home, for a new visa.
usually i does not take very long to get a new one. but in my case i had to persuade them a lot. my mothers birthname is 'taayedi', her father, my grandfather, was born in iran, immigrated to france when he was ten, and the name is what is left of his persian heritage, but it made the people in the u.s. embassy suspicious nevertheless. so it took me awhile to persuade them that all what my family got to with iran is that my grandfather was born there and left and hadn't had any contact to his family, to this country ever since. it was ridiculous. *sigh* politics.
but it was nice to visit home again. and to say goodbye to my friends and family.
i hadn't said goodbye the last time, because i thought i would come back, but i just stayed here. this time i said goodbye. and my mother cried a bit at the airport, like mothers do when their child is leaving. it hurt a bit to see her, but i suppose it is has to be that way.
every single one of my friends promised or threatened to visit me *smile* but i don't think they will. it's just the usual form of promises you give each other when one is leaving. 'i'll come any visit you.', 'yes, i will send letters, sure.'...yes, the usual empty promises you do, because you prefer lying then admitting it is over, though everyone knows that it is.
i'm here again, which is good. i felt good at home, but i feel better here. i can write better here. and this is what matters to me. i stopped missing home completely.
we've got a new professor for the creative writing class, mr. rayleigh. he seems to be a good teacher. we only did some introducing today, but i'm really looking forward to this class.
met paula and kay yesterday, for a post-easter lunch, which was very nice. paula has an engagement at the boston theater this summer, she was so sweet talking about it with such excitement. i'd really like to do some acting as well again. maybe there is some play at the university this summer where i could try to take part.
kay seems to be very excited about his new film classes, i'm very lucky for him that he has found something he wants to do. he needed that, i think.
will go over to adia later. missed her, missed talking to her.
music: stereophonics - traffic
March 13th, 2003
today is (was) my favorite day of the year.
it's a (the) day between winter and spring.
i call it the 'smell-less day'.
i've recognized it over, i don't know, several years that there is one day of the year,
only one, on which the air has no smell at all.
not the smallest essence of anything.
sometimes you think you even could smell the sunlight.
not on that day. though it shines, it doesn't smell like it would.
even the smell of the city, for example cars or water, vanishes;
as if it gets absorbed by something.
i tend to say the air freezes it.
it freezes itself.
every season has it's significant smell and taste;
this day doesn't belong to any season, cause it hasn't.
i don't know why that is my favorit day,
because actually it's sad somehow.
it feels empty.
pure, but really empty.
maybe i like it because it only happens once a year;
and you never know when.
you just can be lucky to catch it.
i've spend the day with adia.
which i really enjoyed.
took a walk through the city, along the river to the harbour.
we had a coffee in a tiny cafe i've found a few weeks ago,
from where you can overlook the bridge and the river.
i wrote some words on her arm. not a poem, just a few words.
she chuckeld and said it would tickle strangely.
'sun reflects even in black hair' i think that was what i wrote
could be meaningful.
i like talking to her;
and i don't know why i couldn't get myself up to do so the last days.
i missed that.
well, it's spring now. or someday soon.
means light and sun and laying in the park and blinking up to the sky.
that will lift up my mood, will get me out of my room.
i was at the bar last night, also something i hadn't done for ages.
paula was there, and jimmy and kay.
it was great to be among them again.
there wasn't much to do and we basically sat down and talked through the evening.
kay told a lot of stories from his holidays, which mostly lead paula, jimmy and me to cry of laughter. he has a talent in story telling.
and laughing is clearly a therapy, maybe i should watch more comedies or read more funny books or something.
have seen this annoucement for a new writing group today.
i think i gonna join them. and ask adia if she wouldn't want to as well.
it's late now. i gonna have some sleep.
to get up tomorrow and pray it will be spring.
music: massive attack - protection
March 2nd, 2003
it was good to get out again last night.
being among people again.
although it might have appeared as if i didn't.
some new people. i was a bit quiet. like i am in these situations.
the play was good. liked it.
funny. lively. brilliant costumes.
the catchy songs stil in my ear.
it was good to see adia again.
forgot how nice it is to talk to her.
i've read out some french poems for her, as i told.
and she fed me with cookies for that *smile*
really, i should persuade myself to go out some more.
even if i don't feel like it at the moment.
March 1st, 2003
i don't know what it is, that drags me down at the moment.
i can't figure it out.
the reason for it.
there doesn't seem to be one.
i got myself up again and went out for a walk.
but it felt exhausting.
like everything i do.
every little move feels exhausting and draining.
as if my mind effects the body.
i persuaded myself to go out with adia this weekend.
should do me good i think.
getting out, seeing people, get distracted.
but i already feel tired when i think about it.
i miss people.
being around them.
but somehow i can't manage to get in any form social.
maybe it's just the weather.
i hope it's just the weather.
February 23rd, 2003
i'm suprised that i'm dating up my journal.
i got nothing to say.
i've slept the last days; or just laid on my bed.
i'm not hungry.
i didn't eat.
i didn't left my room.
i didn't talked to anyone.
it doesn't bother me.
i'm not sick, i just don't care.
February 19th, 2003
the place is quiet these days
noises covered by the white
sucks up all sounds
spites them out dumb and low
peaceful it seems
the cold cracks up peoples mind
glides into them
the white just makes them too lazy to scream
kay, the lucky dork, goes seeing the sun. yes, i don't hide it: envy and jealousy. i really wouldn't complain about some sun either. and some warmth would be nice to have as well. hmm, well i guess i have to wait for that a little longer while. hope he enjoys it and get sunburned enough for every single person here *g*
haven't been much around campus lately, i'm usually down at the house. the girl i met the other day painted me again and again i'm looking like jumped out of a lautrec picture. i don't know, but she must be somehow obsessed with the thought of me belonging into the paris of the early last century. is it just because i'm french? or do i really look like one of these poor last century poets, stuck somewhere between moulin rouge and sacre coeure? whatever.
will drop by adias place later, see if she is there. haven't seen her in a while.
'i can't see faces.' this line haunts me for quite some time now. i've tried out several beginings for a stroy with this line, but nothing really fits. hmm, i should try to find a proper one soon, otherwise it will make me crazy.
music: saint etienne
February 16th, 2003
*laughs* i'm far too easy to influence.
i'm doing a calligraphy workshop, which starts off tomorrow. down at this artist house i've talked about. and that just because of a thoughtless comment of adia *smile*
i've start reading 'the pillow book' and it's really wonderful. a wonderful, light way of speaking and telling. the words feel like clouds, very light and clear. smooth somehow. there is a lot about calligraphy in this book and it really started interesting me, so i'm doing this workshop over the next weeks.
( a five minute blah about 'the house'Collapse )
music: cafe del mare
February 10th, 2003
her hips sway
as she walks past me
giving me a glance
over her shoulder
a thin smile
she takes a seat across the room
smoothly she sits down
taking off her coat
in a fluent movement
i see her
how she slowly swings her hair back now
dark brown with soft curls
the deep red shirt fits to it
what would she say
if she knew i'd write about her
just in this very moment
as she shifts in front of the screen
which paints a cold blue into her face
her fingers are flying quickly along the keyboard
warm and soft
an email of an old, long forgotten friend maybe
maybe he had send a photo along with it
of their last holdiay together
and she smiles for the memory of it
she glances at me
she might have felt it
that i watch her
she seems embaressed
like a little girl
not like the woman
who had walked pass me
a few minutes ago
with swaying hips
and a confident look over her shoulder
her eyes stick to the screen
but they don't move
they just stare at it
i know she must see me
in the corner of her eyes
a pen nervously playing in her hand
she doesn't know what to do
i'd like to know what she will do
i know she'd like to look at me
but she doesn't dare
to turn away from the screen
her only hold
a waitress steps at her table
shakes her head
gets her black coat
stands up quickly
she walks fast
across the room
wrapps her coat strongly around her
her hips don't sway anymore
she doesn't look up anymore
just opens the door
am i that scary?
*laughs* thanks adia. that is a brilliant game to play.
boston is great. being with jimmy and paula and their friends.
jimmys friends are nearly as excentric as he is. and so, very entertaining.
paula is doing great at the theater. the premier was a huge successe.
the papers were full of reviews of the play the next day. and she got many very
good critics. though some papers (the more conservative ones, i reckon) didn't hide
their displeasure about playing brecht. but actually i would have wondered if they hadn't.
i like boston. a good place to be. i like big towns. so much to see. so many different people and places. it's great. enjoying it. try to catch up with some of my work, some stories i've started with a while ago. found a good place to write: it's a house for artists. several studios in it, in different floors; bright rooms to sit down at the window and write or read or sketch or whatever you want to do. no room has a door in this house. you can always hear and even more feel the people being around. combined creativity. everything is somehow inspiring here. very strange, but wonderful. i'm usually here durning the daytime for a few hours, writing , watching people writing, painting or listening to their conversations. i will miss it back in woodhaven.
February 7th, 2003
going to boston for the weekend.
premier of a play paula has her first leading role in.
as 'courage' in brecht's 'mother courage'.
i'm sure she'll do great.
she is murrmuring down her text for weeks now.
day in day out.
falls into acting 'courage' while washing up.
playing brecht these days...that is for sure a statement.
i wouldn't be surpised if it would cause a little fuss.
the theater where it's shown is quite famous for their provocations.
i'm really looking forward to it.
bye and get well to anyone who is sick.
February 6th, 2003
so, a kind of flue epidemic is taking place here in woodhaven.
coughing, sneezing everywhere around in the dorm. i don't know whom i should thank for that, but i'm extremly grateful right now, that my immune system is a kind of fort knox for germs, viruses and all that stuff. last time i was sick was about -i don't know- when i was eleven or something. i don't do anything specifally to keep my healthy, i just am? however, made some visits, severed tea and read stories out to the sick ones. yes, deep inside i always wanted to be a nurse. well, it sounds more like a nanny, doesn't it?
beside that i went to the writers group today and finally read out some of my strange poems. i think they liked it. i'm not very well practiced in writing in english, so i know my gramma is lacking and my vocabulary. i really have to work on that in the upcoming term.
i've had a short-story i was working on the last days, but i'm really stucked right now. it doesn't go back and forth. absolutly frustrading. it doesn't matter what i write nothing seems to fit to what i've written before. i don't want to give it up, cause i really like the idea (it's about a man, who isn't able to read in peoples faces. he actually can't see them at all. again, based on some real facts i've once read about.). i want to get it done, but i don't know how. well, i think i'll give it a rest for a few days and work on it later.
hmm...isn't it strange, that 'the strokes', who are, as we know, from NYC are singing about 'one day i gonna leave this town'? maybe i overheard the main context, but the sentence for itself is soemhow suprising me. does everyone wants to leave the town where they were born or stucked at the moment sooner or later? even if its NYC, the city so many people dream of? well, for sure i know what they are talking about, i know it oh so well. but i never thought someone who lives in NYC would have the same wish as i did.
music: strokes - nyc cops
February 5th, 2003
ever recognized that to songs, to which you've once had a strong emotional connection, you just cannot stand listening anymore? that the feelings they wake up again are somehow old and you don't know them anymore. you cannot understand them anymore. and they are too strong to bare because of that.
enjoying the first glances of the sun in the park
i'm laying on my back
blinking up to the sky
smiling on friends conversations
laughing about new jokes
listening to their voices
inhale the shy smell of the upcoming summer
birds announcing loudly that they are back
still no green on the trees
but you can see the first attempts
i still wear my jacket
but the sun is already warming up my face
a cold breeze from the river near by
even the water starts to smell different now
everything appears to be fresh and extremely intense
the colors, the air, the noises
even your friends
incubus 'wish you were here' i loved it last spring. i listened to it constantly. along with my friends. great days. but i can't listen to it anymore. really, i can't bare it. these emotions i had come up again, intense and strong. but they don't belong here.
music: incubus - wish you were here
February 2nd, 2003
i'm feeling restless inside.
i'm biting my nails nervously.
or walk up and down in my room.
like a tiger in a cage.
up and down all day.
along the bars.
i sit down.
i want to write,
but the blank empty screen is just staring at me
can't fill it with life.
the words won't come out.
i feel empty and like bursting at the same moment.
i get up again.
walk up and down.
glance through the bars outside.
i think i have to leave my room.
will go out and have a coffee somewhere.
hopefully will distract me a bit.
January 30th, 2003
went to see the play again.
the group is fantastic.
i really like to take part in the next play they're doing.
hopefully i run into rhea or someone from the group the next days,
ask when audition takes place for it.
heard they're planing to do something shakespeare.
maybe i can qualify myself with my reputation as hamlet *smile*.
music: placebo - ask for answers
January 28th, 2003
i'm like ink across a night sky
leaving no trace
leading no path
you'll never find me
words so true to me
i scribble down
in black across the dark
you'll never could read
a quick thought.
not about me.
about someone else.
it's a riddle in fact.
the sea is wonderful in this season.
i went down there today.
the wind was pulling on my coat.
angrily poking me, felt like little needles on my skin.
it's amazing how many different types of grey can exsist, in the water.
i met adia later in the cafe.
i like talking to you.
and next time i write a riddle down your arm. *smile*
January 27th, 2003
January 26th, 2003
'the world it's a stage...'
or the other way round.
for some of the actors at tonights play it is obviously the other way round.
they were fantastic.
some are real actors already. much talent.
i'm really impressed.
i used to do a bit of acting myself in school.
i wasn't that good, but i liked it a lot. and my hamlet was not that bad.
would like to give it a try again, i think. maybe they have a little part in their next play to offer.
music: placebo - allergic
January 24th, 2003
wandering around with my headphones plugged in.
music's playing for me.
and everything seems to be different.
more intense and the town appears in a different light.
i feel centered.
that this is my movie.
and this is my soundtrack.
and everything else is put around it.
around a middle, which is me.
i'm the main character in this play right now.
and the rest is scenery.
is a life a one-man show, and others only have limited time in?
do i walk alone and everyone else are just supporting roles?
who just appeare and vanish?
when i walk with my headphones on
no one knows what is playing
the background music in a movie is important
it underlines and sometimes it is the essence to make a scene complete
no one knows what kind of music is playing in the background in my film currently
'there should be music, everytime.
with everything you do.
and when everything is fucked up
then you still have the music'
January 22nd, 2003
we just shook our heads, paula and i, as we watched kay climbing up the stage, from a save place up at the balcony.
the adrinalin had really taken over his mind. forget the warning, get the kick.
well...but it looked impressive how he jumped into the out of control crowd.
jimmy is a great musican. one of the best i know. but i'm kind of glad this band is just one of his hobbies and not something he really thinks about ending up with forever.
i liked this evening. spend with paula, kay and jimmy. like we had done often when i came here. hopefully we find some time to do that again soon.
January 21st, 2003
i was hanging from a tree
at the time they cut me free
how did i ever end up here
the whole world wants my disapearance
kryptic lyric bits.
nice evening last night. met luke and rafe. and lij. down at adia's.
talking and laughter.
but i guess they think i can't talk at all *smile*.
well, i can.
but i prefer to be quiet and watch when i meet new people.
catching up on the 'group-code' first.
quiet late last night and quiet early today - i'm jawing constantly.
sleep is a good thing.
January 20th, 2003
the wall of my room makes strange noises. as if someone would be inside of it and hammering nails into the wall from there.
has anyone seen the moon this morning? it looked so beautiful. the dim blue, innocent light of the morning sky with fading grey, purple clouds crossing it. the white moon full and bright. although it doesn't belong to the morning, it fit. the moon in my front and the sun in my back.
( some kind of short-poem-storyCollapse )
January 17th, 2003
pairs of eyes turned around to me as stepped at the table.
i blushed, i know it. although they looked friendly at me, it's always intimedating to join a already somehow defiend group.
i muttered and stuttered myself through the usual intreduction questions and answers.
it always takes me some moments to relax and feel the tension in my stomach leaving when i meet new people. sometimes more, sometimes less.
this time less, as they were all very open and welcoming.
i haven't met many people who write so far, and i enjoyed it to watch them playing around with their pents and scribbling notes down. you could see the ideas developing in their minds. enjoyed listening to what some of them wrote. realized i need to learn a lot.
an idea for a short story or something like that crossed my mind. about...well, don't spoil *g*
will start with that now, before it might leave me again.
music: massive attack - heat miser
January 16th, 2003
hardly time to catch breath.
feel as if i'd run constanly and the only time i find rest and sit down is during the classes. i have to sort my sheduled for next the term, won't survive it otherwise.
writing relaxes me, when i sit in my quiet dorm in the evening. the time when i feel calm and not in a rush. although i enjoy being restless somehow. after months of numbness. living without moving at all i like to feel rushed.
my room is still cold.
January 13th, 2003
roosevelt 378. my room. left, at the end of the hallway on the third floor.
it's cold inside. i'm freezing. it was unused till now and haven't been heatend up throughout the last months. the walls are white and empty. i have nothing with me to pin on, except my photos from home. but i've put them away.
from my window i have a wide view over the campus, trees buildings people. a good place to watch what's going on down there. the dorm is quit right now, although i see still light in some windows and hear music playing somewhere further down the hallway. but actually i don't really hear it. only when i stop moving and try to listen carefully, i can make out some noises.
paula and jimmy just left. helped me to get my stuff ready.
lost and lonely, happy and excited. somewhere in between.
i figured out some classes i still can take part in, as a guest. and which i will take next year as a student. writing, literature mainly.
tomorrow - i'm looking forward to it.
don't know if i'll sleep very good tonight. although i don't want it and actually i don't do it, i'll miss home when i'm laying in my bed later. the familar noices from the street below my window at night, the smell of my bed, the dim snorring of my father next door and the begging scatches of the cat at my door. i didn't payed attention to all this when i left, as i thought i'll come back after a few weeks. i probably would have if i had known that i wouldn't be there for some time. for a brief moment tonight i'll miss it.
January 10th, 2003
the university accepted me.
i will move into a dorm this weekend.
January 4th, 2003
so, now it's done. no way back. i'm stranded here, by my own will. fells somehow strange.
but i don't regret it. anxious about what will come. i still don't have any plans made up, although i've had a long conversation about that with mr. radcliffe today. he offered me a job at his theater in boston, but actually i'd like to stay here. maybe i can go to university here next term. i know they have a few good writing classes here as kay had told me, which sounds very good to me. maybe i can persuade them to let me join the running term, although i'm late.
January 2nd, 2003
won't go back to france. decided to cancel the flight, which would have taken me home again this saturday.
just the thought of going back freaks me out. i can't go back there. falling back into my paralyzed state of mind, feeling burned out and exhausted again. i can feel it when i just look on some photographs i brought with me; letting me feel dead. can't.
don't have a real plan about what to do here, i just know that i can't go back.
mother wasn't very happy with that, but i won't change my decision. she tried to understand, what i really appreciate.
the radcliffes will let me stay in their house as long as i want or need to. but i'll try to find an own flat as soon as possible. don't want to claim more time and help from them then necessary.
have 're-read' the tons of stuff i wrote the past days. it's lacking, but at least i'm writing.
music: zappa - torture never stops
December 29th, 2002
the words are just flowing out of me, fingers nervously flying across the keyboard. can't stop it. fill page after page.
paula shakes her head while watching me. 'you're going mad.' she sighs.
don't really know what i'm writing, i just write. and it feels incredible.
closing my eyes and seeing his face hurts.
December 21st, 2002
now i'm here and i like it. it's different from home. like that very much.
jimmy and paula haven't changed much; except jimmy increased his exentrics and paula her beauty. they are still the ones as i met them the first time, but more mature, grown up.
spend the last days with taking long walks around town, sitting in cafes and enjoying i'm here. even when i don't do anything at all it's a great satisfaction. my mind is alive again.
paula introduced me to one of her friends, kay. a student from germany. spend some time with him the past days. he's refreshing. different from my people at home. lively and energetic. i like to let him talk, like to listen to him. but i wonder what he's hiding.
paula, jimmy and me are going to boston tomorrow for a few days. jimmy has a gig with his band and an audition for a role at a small theater. so paula and me go with him to cheer for him.
looking forward to boston. seemed to be a nice city, when we drove through it.
back here tuesday morning. christmas dinner that night. kay will join us for that.
will take a walk down to the beach now and check at kay's place. see if he'd like to come with me.
try writing again. missed it.
music: verve - lucky man