January 13th, 2004
oh oh, i'm neglecting my journal, am i not?
haven't written a word since beginning of december.
isn't there anything worth to be remembered in written words?!
my life appears really boring from that point of view.
but well, i'm not limited to this journal; not caught in any artifical boundaries it seems to make up. i have loads of words which i wrote down on paper during the last months. a journal dressed as poetry.
i like paper. the smell and how it feels. the scratching sounds you almost can't hear when you write on it, but you feel the little vibration of the pen in your fingertips, as if the words would crawle into you. i like that feeling.
but i left paper for now and came back to the modern way and back to the journal. i should write it as a journal, shouldn't i?!
the christmas days were nice. i've been back to france, back to my family and friends. it was somehow strange. sometimes.
sometimes during the days i was with them again, i missed them more then i miss them when i'm here, across the atlantic miles away from them. i didn't missed them in a way that you miss someone when he is gone or -in case of my friends- we've changed so much that we couldn't relate to each other any more. but in a way that i suddenly realized how much they would be away from me again as soon as i would be back in boston again. it's weird and actually doesn't make sense at all, i know. but i can't describe it in any better way now. not without sliding into rambling.
i enjoyed the time being back at home. i enjoyed seeing my family again and my friends.
johanna has almost finished her first novel! can you believe it?! it's fantastic. she even let me read a few pages of it and asked me what i would think, which ended in a night we talked through and touched every topic the world could offer during that. *smiles* well, probably not every topic, but some.
anyway, what i wanted to say is, that i really liked it, although there is space for editing, of course. she's a talented writer and writes with her heart rather then with her head, she follows her feelings when she writes, doesn't pay close attention to stylistic methods and therefor there is of course a need for editing. but that is good, otherwise i would be dissapointed.
it was good to see her again. spend a lot of time with her.
many of my old friends went away from home when they started studying and most of them came back over the christmas day, so it really felt like a reunion sometimes. *smiles* it's amazing to see in which way some people develop concerning their studies and how much it can change them in a subtle way and how much it doesn't change them at all.
i really enjoyed seeing them again.
it was also good to sleep in my old bed again, with our cat curled up next to me on the blanket. *smiles* the time stops inside my four walls. i don't feel younger nor older in their. i don't know how i feel there. timeless? maybe, i don't know. it's a feeling i can't hardly describe. somehow as if i would be my true self, without any influences from anywhere. i don't feel the time, for example i don't feel flashed back into childhood or puperty or some other past days. i just feel that i am.
it's really hard to describe. and right now it sounds as if i should miss being in my old room, cause it should feel appealing to feel like being the pure self, but i don't miss it. actually i don't want to be my true and pure self, cause i would stop to develop, away from influences and pressures of my sourrounding. i want to develop, i need to develop. i don't want to be my pure self more then a few hours at night in one year.
oh, i digress, i fear.
so, yes, where were i?
i enjoyed holidays, i enjoyed christmas, i enjoyed new years, i enjoyed family, i enjoyed friends.
that should sum it up for now. but one word to the family topic.
it was wonderful to have breakfast with mom and dad on a sunday morning again. we slept in late, got up, prepared the breakfast and sat down in our sleeping dresses not to get up for hours. just sit there and talk and eat and drink coffee. like we often did.
i love that i have a place i feel is home. and i'm totally grateful for that.
with these words, i'm closing in.
and i realized i'm bad in writing journals, cause i left out all these random facts, which appear so useless in the moment you write them, but so important years later when you look at old journal pages again.
and so -just for the record-
-christmas presents: a notebook wrapped in thin leather, a new watch, a cd with poetry, money and sweets
-new years eve: with my old friends at our former favorite bar. a lot of new years hugging and kissing and fireworks and champane. yes, amusing night.
-random: white christmas and white new years.
good night, journal.
dear friends who might read this:
i hope you've had a wonderful holiday and that your new year started out well.
beside that, i hope i gonna see you more often then last year.
music: the beach soundtrack