March 6th, 2004
|02:49 pm - [pe]|
come with me
to see the sun again
blink into daylight
shield your eyes from it
feel it burning your skin
and refresh your mind
blow the blue away
stab the black clouds which are covering your smile
sit in the green gardens with me
walk underneath the whistling trees
listen to beautiful colors upon us
wake up with me
when the morning light sets down on our faces
fall asleep with me
and the window will be open
to feel the velvet air caressing your skin
carefree hours and days
washing away the winter off your mind
come with me
lay with me
be with me
i can't believe the most wonderful person in the earth is mine.
this letter, along with a ticket to south africa for next week.
i called his office, i hardly ever do this, but i was so...excited. and confused.
'stuart, what is this all about?'
'you said you don't need sleep, but sun and warmth. and i'm sure cap town has plenty of that at the moment.'
he's inviting me, to south africa!
i can't believe it!
oh my god...
he's so incredible wonderful.
i want to open my window and scream it down into the streets,
write it down at every wall, so that everyone will know.
the man i love is breathtakingly wonderful!
and it's the man who loves me.
there can't be anyone on the planet who is happier then i am right now.
i wish everyone would be as happy as i am.
he makes me love.
he makes me love the world and everything about it.
i can't believe that he cares so much about me
my god how i love him
mood: incredible happy
March 5th, 2004
|08:23 pm - [pe]|
Burned by frozen neonlight
Red is curling from white walls
Scars which never healed
Wounds seal the daylight
i feel like a little schoolboy lectured by his mother about his sleeping habits.
i've had a long converstaion last night about my dearest winter blues.
in the end i gave in and went to a doc today.
and now i'm ordered to go to bed at [latest] 10 p.m. and get up at around 6 a.m.
*sigh* he said staying up too late would increase my blue mood.
i'm feeling like a schoolboy.
also i have to take some sort of sleeping pills.
i don't need more sleep but more spring.
music: the shins - caring is creepy
March 4th, 2004
i haven't updated this journal for a while as it seems.
well, there aren't any exciting news to talk about actually.
i'm tired. and/or busy.
both most of the time.
we're heading towards the finals,
which also becomes obvious in the increased workload.
i'm reading and writing most of my days.
sitting in the libary,
hidden behind a pile of books and papers.
or in the shop,
sell books while i work on my assignments.
the winter isn't over yet.
i can't wait for spring finally.
i felt too cold and too dark for too long now.
and it isn't getting much better,
with these chilly temperature and the lack of sunlight.
i think i just gonna go to sleep now.
February 21st, 2004
|05:57 pm - [pe]|
he's with me again.
but i can't make this sadness and loneliness go away.
i'm laying naked in his arms
it's the only place i feel save
curled up against him
still the cold reaches me
takes ahold of my complete being
and i'm shivering
is it the night
i once loved so dearly
that makes me feel like that?
or is it him?
alone in my bed
i'm wishing myself to him
in his bed
with him by my side
i feel lost and lonely.
i blame the winter
because i just can't blame him
for what i feel.
February 15th, 2004
|03:57 am - [pe]|
he feels so far away.
so incredible far.
he felt closer when we weren't lovers.
today was valentines day.
i wonder with whom he spend the day.
i feel cold.
like a frozen, empty cave.
and words that go around in my mind
are echoing from the walls.
repeating repeating repeating themselfs.
i want him back.
but it feels as if he's gone.
we were like strangers the last days.
he's my love
and something forbit me to reach out and touch him.
is that a hint,
that what we tried is just foolish madness
and we will never succsed?
i saw you the other day.
in a cafe.
i wanted to walk over to tell you how much i'd miss you.
but i didn't.
instead i bought a coffee, payed and left again.
i should have talked to you.
i wonder if you miss me.
i should try to get some sleep.
haven't slept much the past week.
his mother is leaving again tomorrow.
i should be happy,
but i'm not.
i can't feel any happiness.
i just feel seperated from him.
February 14th, 2004
|03:24 am - [pe]|
i can't sleep.
cause i got this picture in my mind.
of him. with that woman.
i saw them in that cafe.
i was getting a coffee there on my way to work.
they were sitting in a corner.
she laughed, brushed her hair back.
he smiled, his eyes focused on her.
i just stared at them.
my heart sank down, frozen.
it's not jealousy.
i just felt more sepreated from him in this moment
then i ever have.
as if i've lost him.
it's the 14th already.
February 9th, 2004
|10:36 pm - [pe]|
( dear loverCollapse )
February 7th, 2004
|04:28 pm - [pe]|
his mother is coming to boston.
and i have to play the invisible again.
for one goddamn week.
i will work a lot this week.
i gonna be very busy,
not standing still,
having no time to take a breath the whole day
and falling into my bed like dead at night,
too tired to think of him
and how much i'm missing the smell of his sheets.
for one week he won't know me at all.
i walked down the street
the way that leads to your appartment
i didn't want to visit you
i know i couldn't
i was just walking by
i saw how you closed the front door behind you and the woman
and our eyes met
we are good actors among others
our eyes stayed so cold
that it freezed me from inside
i could cry just thinking about it.
his mother is coming tomorrow evening.
will go over to him now, pick up some stuff of mine.
and stay with him for the night.
February 5th, 2004
|11:22 am - [pe]|
He found a short poem I’ve written this other day,
about…yes, feeling blue and all that
and it worried him.
He came up to talk to me, right after class.
Said i’d look sad lately.
I told him that just me in winter.
He showed me the poem,
asked concerned if really everything would be okay.
I said yes and again, that it’s just me and the winter.
He wasn’t satisfied with my answer,
told me it would worry him and considered I should go see a doc,
asking for meds.
I stared at him.
Too confused and somehow shocked to say something.
When you ask for meds you think of yourself as sick.
I never never thought of myself as sick.
I’m not sick, I don’t need meds, I don’t need a doctor.
It’s just the goddamn winter blues.
And it’s over again soon.
I don’t need medication to wait for spring.
I told him that.
And he sighed,
looking at me worried again,
wanted to say something,
but then just shrugged and nodded.
I don’t want him to worry,
and I don’t want him to think I need medication.
Thursday morning, around 11 a.m.
I’m sitting in the common room of our floor.
It’s relatively quiet. Course most of the people are in class.
No, I’m not.
I skipped english as 2nd language class today.
Instead I enjoy some really good spiced coffee.
I found it in a shop the other day and I just had to buy it.
It almost tastes like the coffee< my grandfather used to make.
Dark dark brown, very sweet and strong.
Very smooth, not like normal coffee<.
Yes, it’s close to the one my grandfather made.
His house< always smelled like it, spicey.
Everytime I smell and taste it it always reminds me of him.
’This is for you grandfather. Cheers.’ *smiles*
I don’t know why, but today feels slightly sentimental.
Well, maybe it’s just me. *smiles*
The winter doesn’t do me very good lately, I fear.
I’d look sad somehow someone told me the other day.
It’s the winter blues.
Can’t really smile.
Well, I do, but it always feels kind of faked.
The sky is too dark and the air is too cold.
As if it freezes all the warm thoughts and feelings.
That sounds bad now; but actually it’s not as bad as it sounds.
Last year was bad. And the year before.
This year is ok.
I still feel it, the winter in my mind,
but it doesn’t take over my complete heart and soul as it used to.
Someone told me I should take some meds, happypills, prozac, or something like that,
but I definetly don’t want to.
I don’t feel comfotorable with my brain being manipulated by chemistry.
Even if I might feel better with it.
Also I know that it’s there, in my head somewhere,
and I know that it will go away after a while.
So I just wait till it’s over.
Or try to take some sort of advantage from it.
You know, this poets and melancholy scheme. *smiles*
I have a busy day ahead of me.
Classes, then over to the bookstore, working for a few hours and later acting group.
I guess I won’t find the <time to feel sentimental and blue for the rest of the day.
Busy days are a good therapy I’ve realized.
mood: winter blues
music: radio is playing
February 1st, 2004
|09:03 pm - [pe]|
we went to the cabaret last night.
a small, old room with round tables and candles; red velvet on the walls.
red wine and cigarettes.
i thought i was underdressed, cause i didn't wore a suit, which would have fitted the atmosphere of this place so much better. not the event, but just the place.
the show was wonderful.
stories to make you laugh,
poetry to make you cry,
songs to make you dream and smile.
i loved it.
sometimes a shiver was running down my spine
cause it, the poetry, touched me so deeply.
sometimes i laughed so hard about the stories
tears were running down my cheeks.
sometimes i closed my eyes to swim with the melody of the songs.
and sometimes i thought my heart would explode of happiness
cause he held my hand under the table.
everything was perfect last night.
we walked the way back to his place.
through the dark and cold.
i felt like in a 50's movie for some reason.
that was proberly because he was wearing that darkbrown coat with the scarf and a hat like people in films from that decade did.
he laughed when i told him.
replied i'd look like a last century poet no matter what i'd wear.
i smiled as reply. didn't know what to answer to that.
we sat in the livingroom, drank another glass of red wine, talked about the show.
the light was turned out, except the small one on his desk and music was playing shyly in the background.
and suddenly he asked me for a dance.
completely out of the blue.
one second we laughed about the writers comments about writers and confused poets [like me *smiles*] the next second he asks me to dance with him.
i was relatively confused and blinked.
and he got up and took my hand and pulled me up from the sofa.
and put his arm around me, placed his hand on my shoulder blade
and smiled at me and we started dancing, in his living room.
slowly, swaying to the beat.
he once said he'd be a pathetic dancer, but that's a lie.
he's a great dancer.
i loved it.
and i felt my cheeks blushing cause i was so excited and enthralled about the moment.
i don't know how long we danced.
a minute, an hour?
i really can't tell.
only that i enjoyed it so much.
i felt wonderful.
so incredible complete in this moment.
yes, last night was perfect.
music: norah jones - don't know why
January 22nd, 2004
|11:24 pm - [pe]|
and the feeling of falling in love wears off. makes space for being in love.
the feeling like your heart and stomach are on a constant rollercoaster drive vanishes; the hard and nervous and bouncy childish edges of it are smoothed down and now it feels like a warmth spreading inside of me. from head to toes, filling me up completely. every cell of my body, warming me from the inside.
it's not unpredictable and restless like falling in love. the feeling is getting more mature and calm. and beautiful.
i made breakfast for us this morning. nothing special, just coffee, some toast and cornflakes. i put plates on the table in the kitchen, cups and knives. a spoon for the sugar. the radio was playing in the background. i got butter, jam and milk out of the fridge. some juice.
nothing special, really; just an ordinary breakfast on a weekday. but suddenly i found that it's incredible, and breathtaking; and my heart was beating hard in my chest and a shiver was running down my spine.
it was incredible that i walked around in his kitchens as if it would be the most ordinary thing in this world. that i was making breakfast, for us. that i didn't had to ask where the plates are and if i could take some milk out of the fridge, that i didn't asked if i should make breakfast while he's in the shower, that i just did it. i just did it, as if it would be normal. the point where my heart started beating so hard was when i realized that it is normal, that it had became normal over the last months. that it had become normal for me to be in his appartment. that it's not something new and exciting anymore to be there, but just normal. to sit on the sofa with him and watch tv; to go to bed without waiting till he goes to bed, just to turn at him and say 'i gonna go to bed.' and he replies 'okay. gonna go too in a few minutes.' and we kiss and he stays up for a little while and i go to bed as if it would be my bed and bedroom as well.
it sounds boring to everyone else who isn't me. maybe people would pity me for feeling like that, pity me for enjoying that the thrill of this falling in love feeling is about to leave me, but i don't mind it. i love watching my feelings getting mature and more real, clearer somehow.
it's unbelievable that we made it this far, actually. *smiles* incredible.
January 19th, 2004
i have to work tonight. the hotel just called. a waiter got sick and they needed someone else instead.
i was looking forward to a night with hot tea, my blanket and my new book and not waiter robes.
cé la vie.
beside that: no news from the west, captain. *smiles*
got to get ready now.
the upper class society calls for my service.
music: stereophonics - traffic
January 14th, 2004
|12:37 am - [pe]|
good to be back.
January 13th, 2004
oh oh, i'm neglecting my journal, am i not?
haven't written a word since beginning of december.
isn't there anything worth to be remembered in written words?!
my life appears really boring from that point of view.
but well, i'm not limited to this journal; not caught in any artifical boundaries it seems to make up. i have loads of words which i wrote down on paper during the last months. a journal dressed as poetry.
i like paper. the smell and how it feels. the scratching sounds you almost can't hear when you write on it, but you feel the little vibration of the pen in your fingertips, as if the words would crawle into you. i like that feeling.
but i left paper for now and came back to the modern way and back to the journal. i should write it as a journal, shouldn't i?!
the christmas days were nice. i've been back to france, back to my family and friends. it was somehow strange. sometimes.
sometimes during the days i was with them again, i missed them more then i miss them when i'm here, across the atlantic miles away from them. i didn't missed them in a way that you miss someone when he is gone or -in case of my friends- we've changed so much that we couldn't relate to each other any more. but in a way that i suddenly realized how much they would be away from me again as soon as i would be back in boston again. it's weird and actually doesn't make sense at all, i know. but i can't describe it in any better way now. not without sliding into rambling.
i enjoyed the time being back at home. i enjoyed seeing my family again and my friends.
johanna has almost finished her first novel! can you believe it?! it's fantastic. she even let me read a few pages of it and asked me what i would think, which ended in a night we talked through and touched every topic the world could offer during that. *smiles* well, probably not every topic, but some.
anyway, what i wanted to say is, that i really liked it, although there is space for editing, of course. she's a talented writer and writes with her heart rather then with her head, she follows her feelings when she writes, doesn't pay close attention to stylistic methods and therefor there is of course a need for editing. but that is good, otherwise i would be dissapointed.
it was good to see her again. spend a lot of time with her.
many of my old friends went away from home when they started studying and most of them came back over the christmas day, so it really felt like a reunion sometimes. *smiles* it's amazing to see in which way some people develop concerning their studies and how much it can change them in a subtle way and how much it doesn't change them at all.
i really enjoyed seeing them again.
it was also good to sleep in my old bed again, with our cat curled up next to me on the blanket. *smiles* the time stops inside my four walls. i don't feel younger nor older in their. i don't know how i feel there. timeless? maybe, i don't know. it's a feeling i can't hardly describe. somehow as if i would be my true self, without any influences from anywhere. i don't feel the time, for example i don't feel flashed back into childhood or puperty or some other past days. i just feel that i am.
it's really hard to describe. and right now it sounds as if i should miss being in my old room, cause it should feel appealing to feel like being the pure self, but i don't miss it. actually i don't want to be my true and pure self, cause i would stop to develop, away from influences and pressures of my sourrounding. i want to develop, i need to develop. i don't want to be my pure self more then a few hours at night in one year.
oh, i digress, i fear.
so, yes, where were i?
i enjoyed holidays, i enjoyed christmas, i enjoyed new years, i enjoyed family, i enjoyed friends.
that should sum it up for now. but one word to the family topic.
it was wonderful to have breakfast with mom and dad on a sunday morning again. we slept in late, got up, prepared the breakfast and sat down in our sleeping dresses not to get up for hours. just sit there and talk and eat and drink coffee. like we often did.
i love that i have a place i feel is home. and i'm totally grateful for that.
with these words, i'm closing in.
and i realized i'm bad in writing journals, cause i left out all these random facts, which appear so useless in the moment you write them, but so important years later when you look at old journal pages again.
and so -just for the record-
-christmas presents: a notebook wrapped in thin leather, a new watch, a cd with poetry, money and sweets
-new years eve: with my old friends at our former favorite bar. a lot of new years hugging and kissing and fireworks and champane. yes, amusing night.
-random: white christmas and white new years.
good night, journal.
dear friends who might read this:
i hope you've had a wonderful holiday and that your new year started out well.
beside that, i hope i gonna see you more often then last year.
music: the beach soundtrack
December 3rd, 2003
|06:16 pm - [pe]|
stuart laughed and kissed me when i told him.
agreed with kay.
'it's not to deny that you two have some things in common.'
i'm flattered and amused, a lot.
only slightly worrying about the tragic aspect in that character.
ran into kay today. and i mean i ran into him. we were both walking very quickly along the hallway, coming from the opposite direction, both reading and not noticing anything around us. our foreheads bumped together really hard and kay had coffee allover his sweater. must have looked so weird for everyone around us. *smiles*
i'm used to that, i mean that's me...reading and walking and forgetting what's around. but i was suprised about kay, especially since it was a classic - goethes 'werther'. hardly anyone reads classic anymore if one isn't really forced to, and kay reads it out of his free will. weird.
whatever. what i actually wanted to say was, that -after he stopped cursing about the coffee and rubbing his forhead- he grinned at me very brightly, said
'werther! you! here! i'm delighted!'
he called me werther. *smiles*
i'm fairly amused being called such a intense, tragic and romantic character.
am i? i don't know.
maybe. a bit.
A wonderful serenity has taken possession of my entire soul, like these sweet mornings of spring which I enjoy with my whole heart. I am alone, and feel the charm of existence in this spot, which was created for the bliss of souls like mine. I am so happy, my dear friend, so absorbed in the exquisite sense of mere tranquil existence, that I neglect my talents. I should be incapable of drawing a single stroke at the present moment; and yet I feel that I never was a greater artist than now. When, while the lovely valley teems with vapour around me, and the meridian sun strikes the upper surface of the impenetrable foliage of my trees, and but a few stray gleams steal into the inner sanctuary, I throw myself down among the tall grass by the trickling stream; and as I lie close to the earth, a thousand unknown plants are noticed by me: when I hear the buzz of the little world among the stalks, and grow familiar with the countless indescribable forms of the insects and flies, then I feel the presence of the Almighty, who formed us in his own image, and the breath of that universal love which bears and sustains us, as it floats around us in an eternity of bliss; and then, my friend, when darkness overspreads my eyes, and heaven and earth seem to dwell in my soul and absorb its power, like the form of a beloved mistress,—then I often think with longing, Oh, would I could describe these conceptions, could impress upon paper all that is living so full and warm within me, that it might be the mirror of my soul, as my soul is the mirror of the infinite God! O my friend—but it is too much for my strength—I sink under the weight of the splendour of these visions!
we might have some things in common.
November 29th, 2003
|02:45 pm - [pe]|
stuart is at home.
thanksgiving and tradition.
not a big surprise that i'm not very fond of these traditions.
i hate to imagine that at home when he's asked he will deny i'm actually excisiting.
he called me today.
he was hidding somewhere when he did.
he kept his voice down very much, just whispering, not that anyone would hear.
yes, i really hate the rayleigh family tradition.
i miss that weekend we were at the sea and we could feel like a real, normal couple.
i miss him right now. a lot.
probably because it's cold in my room and his flat his always warm and i feel sheltered and loved there.
he'll be back tomorrow evening.
and i can't wait to go over to his place then.
it's cold and i'm freezing quite a bit.
but it's probably because the window is wide open and i'm only wearing a t-shirt.
maybe i'd feel better if i just close the window?! *smiles*
haven't updated my LJ for some time.
i'm currently not extremely fond of my computer.
i don't know for which reason, but i prefer writing on paper atm.
beside that i have not much to tell, which would be worth running a journal for.
i'm doing fine, i'm often happy, nothing very exciting happend, so i don't need to run a journal right now actually. my mind and thoughts can be extremely dull when i'm happy and i don't want to keep that in a journal.
the only thing worth telling is that i applied to a small acting group last week. and i'm very very happy about that. we're planning to do a kind of cabaret show, which is great. really really looking forward to it and to develop the ideas we've had about it.
beside that i still have my jobs, the bookstore and the waiters job at the hotel. it's going well and i probably will have enough money to fly home for christmas this year.
the dorm is really quiet right now. probably because of thanksgiving holidays. many people went home i suppose. of course i didn't.
spend thanksgiving with the radcliffes. paula is currently in new york for an acting workshop, but she came home for that. it was nice to see her and jimmy again after i haven't for quite some time. went out with both of them last night, down to the bar. nice evening. relaxed with friends. liked that.
right now i'm working on some essays for classes. the deadline for handing them in is next friday, but i'm almost finished, at least with two out of three, which is kind of reassuring.
i think i gonna go on working on them now and later take a walk around campus. maybe i meet some of the people i haven't for some time.
November 5th, 2003
the leafs - still red and burning
the sun - mild it smiled upon my face
the air - caressing and tender
as if they'd prepare for a final curtain
wanted to look good
before they really have to go
i was walking and sat down to read in the park
it was simply beautiful
i got distracted after a few minutes,
by children who played loudly
throwning leafs up in the air
laughing cheerfully about the reflection it made
against the sunshine
and the mothers smiled.
i should be sleeping.
classes starting early tomorrow.
i'm also a little sleepy,
but i'm reading 'wonder boys'
and i can't put that book away.
i gonna go over to the hospital tomorrow.
getting an HIV test.
scott's post made me think.
although i think i'm negativ, you never can be sure enough.
and i really want to be sure.
talking of hospitals:
i should call kay tomorrow.
mrs. tingle wasn't exactly pleased
that he missed class today.
wonder where he was.
my eyes are watering, cause i'm yawing all the time.
i think i should go sleeping.
November 3rd, 2003
|07:12 pm - [pe]|
the hotel was small and noone knew us.
we had a view to the ocean from our window.
through the day we took walks along the beach till our clothes were wet from the rain and our bones chilled from the icy wind.
in the evening we went for dinner in this little fish restaurant at the promenade.
noone knew us, we were sure of that and so we could sit in our dark corner near the window, drink red wine and i could hold his hand shyly and we could look at each other the way we wanted to.
god, it was perfect.
i could kiss him, not hidden behind closed doors, but on the street, in puplic.
feels different to kiss him in puplic, almost more real and more intense.
as if it would be normal and everything would be alright.
October 31st, 2003
|12:30 am - [pe]|
i'm simply far too young to really care about what happens tomorrow.
well, that's actually a quote.
it's a while ago when kay said that, but i remembered it today.
i can't remember exactly when he said it, just that he said it.
and what can i say...i should have made this my credo a while back.
i should stop thinking and forget the doubts and just everything like this.
just enjoy the present.
as long as it is the present.
gonna call him now.
October 28th, 2003
|04:04 pm - [pe]|
i didn't pick up the phone and sunday night i prefered falling asleep on kay's floor instead of my own bed.
i still feel hurt and the humiliation i've felt is still nagging on me.
i just didn't want to see him, looking at him would have showed me again,
so very painful, that we should not be together.
that i'm not meant to be with him,
cause there are worlds between us; a whole society.
well, i've seen him today in class.
and he wanted to talk to me, i've seen it in his eyes;
but i didn't stay behind the bunch of people
like i normally do to have a few words with him,
but walked out with all the others.
i really can't see him right now.
although there is nothing i want more right now.
it burns inside of me.
but i can't.
i have to think.
i walked down to the bookshop today, for work. actually i'm still at the bookshop, i just have a few minutes off.
anyway...i walked down the main road, summer street, and i could see the few people crouching on the street from far away, right in the middle of the road. the traffic was going by them slowly, some people stood around on the sidewalk and watched what was happening. i slowed down my steps to look as well.
there was a old woman laying on the ground, on the street, with her head in the lap of a younger woman. two younger men stood by them, waving their hands at someone hectically.
the old woman wore fine dresses, a hat which matched her clothing and a handbag, i suppose she wanted to go downtown for some shopping, she must have collapsed on the street. and was now laying with her head in the lap of the nervous young woman.
i didn't stop to look, i passed by slowly, just glanced at the scene and looked at the old womans face for a glimpse of a second.
she looked like a child.
not scared, just like a confused child, who didn't know what was happening to herself, didn't understand.
in that second i heard the ambulance and i looked at her again and still she didn't seem to be afraid, just confused, like a little child.
no, there is no moral intendet and didn't let any meaningful thoughts raise in me. it was just...i felt i had to mention it. if you could have seen her you'd know what i mean.
have to go back to work now. and maybe i find the time to do a bit of research for assignments later.
music: noises from downstairs
October 26th, 2003
|06:09 pm - [pe]|
that was the most humiliating thing that had ever happened to me.
i still feel sick about it.
i had to work today, at the hotel, waiter at the brunch as always.
and as he and his mother entered the room i felt my interials flipping over.
he tried to smile and shrug at me apologetically when she didn't look, whispered a 'sorry.' to me as we passed each other when he stood at the buffet.
it was bad luck that they sat down in my area where i had to serve.
his mother is a tough, confident upper-class woman; she treated me with the same professionell politness she must have towards her staff at home. as friendly as necessary and with a clear distance that shows that you are so much lower then she is in her oppinion.
it hardly didn't bother me. i mean, it's my job to be the waiter and i know he didn't want to go there for brunch as he knew i'd be working today. so i did my job and i tried to make a good impression nevertheless.
it all went well, so to say.
then they wanted to leave and i brought the bill. he payed. and she looked up and smiled at me.
'Where are you from? You have such an adorbale accent.'
'France.' i replied.
'France? Oh, such a wonderful country. I've been there twice with my husband. Do you go to college here?'
'Yes, i do.' i smiled.
and she turned at him 'Stuart, give him some extra tips. As a student he wouldn't mind some extra money.'
and i felt a knife stabbing my chest. extra tips. from my lover.
'Mom, i don't think...' he said nervously.
'Stuart, don't be redicoulus.' she turned at me again, i felt like frozen 'and if you ever need a little job, some extra money i'd be delighted if you would serve at the cocktail parties i'm having at our house once in a while. you're such a fine young man, my guests would love you.'
i desperately tried to smile 'Thank you, madam. I will think about that.'
'Wonderful. Here you have my card and i'm looking forward to hear from you.'
they left and he gave me the extra tips.
i felt like a whore. my lover, the person i love, gave me extra money for my job.
and now i shall work for them, serve him at their cocktail parties.
god, i wanted to scream it in her face that i'm not just a damn random waiter. i felt like such a lower being for her. just a waiter, nothing which could play in her class.
she made stuart treat me like one. with giving me the extra tips. made him treat me like a random someone who is simply beneath his upper-class standard.
it was so humiliating.
i don't know who or what to blame, that i feel like a creep now, like a whore.
October 25th, 2003
|06:42 pm - [pe]|
the cold is colder when you don't have a place to go, which will warm you.
his mother spontanously decided to pay him a visit this weekend.
and that means we don't know each other for the next 48 hours.
i wish i could go over to his place now.
sitting on the windowsill, watching the cold, unfriendly streets below without having the feeling i'd belong there, but feel hidden and save inside his walls.
we almost had sex on that windowsill yesterday *chuckles*
almost. decided for a more discret place to get undressed.
sometimes he's still shy and insecure; as if he's not sure about what he does, if it's what i want, what he wants. he just doesn't know sometimes.
it feels slightly weird that i have to show him; i mean he's the older one and usually the older teaches the younger. well, not in this case *smiles*
his whole body was trembling the first time, his hands so shaky. his heart was beating so hard in his chest i could almost hear it. his kisses so nervous and clumsy on my lips.
god, how i loved this night. seemed so long and yet much to short.
i really wish i could be over at his place now.
the leafs are already gone
it's too late
to talk about
and times of mild changes
the branches shiver in the wind
the light turned gray
the smell of rain
creeps through cracks of closed windows
into the warmth
turns it cold
the time of change is gone
of trees on autumn fire
god, the weather is horrible today.
i like candles but i don't like it when i feel the need to light them up the first time. it usually indicates that the weather changed and it's getting dark and cold far too early in the day.
i won't stay at the dorm tonight, cause it's cold in my room. the candle let it appear as if it would be warm inside here but it's not.
kay called a few minutes ago, whining about how he's freezing and the weather and that he has to work tonight. just wanted to gain my sympathy and that i agree coming over to the bar with him later. well, he succeded *smiles* and actually i'm glad that he called, giving me some place to go tonight.
October 22nd, 2003
|06:33 pm - [pe]|
at his place.
all that matters.
October 21st, 2003
|02:43 am - [pe]|
i can't say why i don't want to sleep although i'm tired.
it's...i don't know...because i guess. just because.
i haven't seen him today and he didn't called.
maybe i don't want to sleep to be tired enough to stop caring and worrying.
tomorrow. i hope i gonna see him tomorrow.
'one day' he said 'it will all be better.
he got up and took his raincoat from the old, dusty armchair next to him.
'i gonna leave now. but don't be scared, it won't hurt. it will never hurt.'
he walked across the room; his steps were weak, these of an old man, but one could see last remains of the strength he must have had when he was young, from the way he put the raincoat over his shoulders.
he turned around, smiled over his shoulder; his dry skin was crackling when the corner of his lips slightly lifted. his watery blue eyes half closed with old hanging eyelids; but smiling withh warmth.
'don't worry, i'll come back. don't worry.
'i won't.' said the young man, shifting in his seat. he had turned around to follow the old mans steps with his eyes.
'good.' he opend the dark, wooden door.
'and remember it won't hurt.' he said and cracked a last old smile at the boy, before he closed the door behind him.
the young man looked at the door the old man had closed for a few seconds.
he smiled at himself and chuckled lightly, turned around towards the black window again. it will be better and it won't hurt.
'just keep the door shut and remember the burning battlefields and that i sat them on fire. don't worry, it won't hurt.'
nevermind it, it doesn't make any sense at all, but that's unimportant cause it's 2:37 a.m. and i don't want to sleep. it's not that i'm not sleepy, i just don't want to sleep. yes, i know it doesn't make any sense at all, but i never claimed to make sense. *smiles*
if i'd go to bed now, i'd have to get up again in about 5 hours.
does it make sense to sleep at all?
October 20th, 2003
|12:58 am - [pe]|
he was over at his parents beach house for the last four days.
and he didn't call.
i trust him. it's not that.
but i fear something had happened at the beach house which makes him pull back.
something his mother said, something his dad said or just seeing his family and getting aware of what he's risking.
i fear tomorrow.
i fear he'll say 'i can't do this. it's over.'
i don't know what i'd do if he said that.
October 18th, 2003
|01:11 am - [pe]|
my god, i was so nervous.
i went with stuart to the play. and paula and a friend of hers.
i was so nervous throughout the day. just thinking about the evening.
we were discret, more then this actually.
we had excusses and explaintations made up in case paula or worse, her friend would ask.
paula liked stuart. and she thinks he's just someone.
when we sat down and the light got turned out, i got calmer and enjoyed it.
and i had liked to kiss him once or twice, but i only dared to glance at him.
for the first time in the last five weeks i was sad, that we had to act.
that we had to pretend. that we couldn't be what we are. that we had to hide it, hide us.
there were couples. couples who touched each other naturally, kissed, held hands, laughed together, stroke the others cheek as a shy act of affection.
we couldn't even look at each other the way we wanted.
always be alarmed that noone sees us.
made me sad. the hidding made me sad. and that i had to play tricks on one of my best friends.
i know he worries. he worries about his family and the fear of losing his job and his family if anyone finds out.
i know his family is an old, well-known, wealthy family who is proud about their conservative tradition and i know they honestly would disown him if they ever knew.
unless we're hundreds of miles away from them we never be able to even concider holding the others hand in puplic. if anyone who is somehow befriend with his family -and that are a lot of people, as i said, they're well known- would see us, together, here...that would be bad. that would be even worse then bad.
i had a book in my hand today, a kind of joke book about being gay or something. it was entitled with 'you know you're gay when...'
amusing stuff like 'you know you're gay when you shriek 'lovely' the first time.' or 'you wish you'd be gay when you're thinking about the money the college education of your children will cost.' stuff like that.
but there was also:
'you know you're gay when you shyly hold your lovers hand under the table in a restaurant, while the het couple at the next table sucking each others tounges.
not only in our case, but in general so very true.
i'm currently reading one of my favorite books from childhood days again: 'the neverending story'. found it in a second hand bookstore yesterday. hidden behind other books it waited. there was dust on the pages already. it's strange that i actually found it. *smiles* it almost like in the book itself. almost as if it wanted to be found by me.
i'm a little disappointed about myself that i forgot that it used to love this book.
i remember that i got it as a gift for my ninth birthday and read it at night under my blanket with a pocketlight. i read till i feel asleep without turning the pocketlight out and the next day the batteries were empty and i had to ask my mom to buy me new ones. after a while she wondered why i asked for new batteries twice a week *smiles*
i can't remember how often i've read the book; till pages fell out of it i suppose.
i think the book is the reason why i wanted to become a writer.
i was so facinated by the thought that this boy really ends up in the book, as a part of it, as a character who interacts with all the other characters he had started to love the longer he read the book. it made me wanting to creat my own stories, so that one day i gonna be a real part of a story i wanted to creat as well. that i could actually talk to characters i created face to face. characters who were everything i am not, who had everything i had not and who could do everything i could not, but wanted to.
that's i guess the reason why i wanted to become a writer, to become a real part of a world i created they way i wanted it to be.
i haven't managed to become real in one of the stories i've created yet, but well, sometimes when a plot forms in my mind and i'm thinking about it i might appear as if i'm lost in another world, that i'm outside the real world. which is actually true and that's pretty close to my actual intention, so i think i gonna stick to the writing *smiles*
the week was good. although my scheduled is pretty tight with six classes and i have my two jobs beside that, which leads to a minimum of free time, but i'm fine with that atm.
i'm not seeing people who i'd like to see and that's sad.
i need more product placement in my life *winks*
i still have to take english as 2nd language, which is a bit useless concidering the fact i'm majoring in literature *smiles*, but the assignements are easy work and don't bother me too much. kay still got trouble with our teacher. actually they're running a private war i sometimes think, it's like they try to provoke each other till one of them just snaps. the day she kicks him out of a lesson can't be too far. i find it pretty amusing to watch them and it's the only thing which makes going to that class a little more worthy. *grins*
i thought about trying to find a theater group again. i miss acting.
i went to see a play yesterday, samuel beckett's 'waiting for godot', along with paula and some other friends. paula's dad, who works at the boston theater, got us free tickets for the night.
godot isn't one of my favorite plays but the acting was brilliant and i realized that i miss it, the acting. i used to act in school for a few years; we had a pretty good theater group there, and i haven't been on a stage ever since i left school; never really missed it, but yesterday i did. a lot.
when i saw the two people who played the main chars on stage, how they were able to switch into being a different person, how they were allowed to be someone else for one night, i envied them.
i really should go a find myself a new group.
i don't have to work tomorrow, neither at the hotel, nor at the bookstore, which means i gonna have a day off to do whatever i like. i should stroll around the dorm, finding some people i'd like to see. and for sure i gonna take a walk. i know it's raining and it's hateful autumn weather, but i just have to go out. i have to be outside for a few hours. i want my hair to get wet, feel rain on my face and my jeans shall stick to my legs.
for now, i gonna go to bed, turn the light out and read under my blanket with a pocketlight *smiles*
October 16th, 2003
|12:34 am - [pe]|
i'm romantic enough to think that i'm sure to know who i'd want to marry.
i'm such a hopeless fool.
leave me my dreams for a little while.
i don't want to think about what will never be.
let me lay here with him for a little while.
let me think it will never be any different.
and tell me that everything's gonna be just fine.
music: the second you sleep - saybia
October 11th, 2003
just came back from work.
did waiter at the brunch. same tomorrow.
the people, some so posh and stiff and artifical, it makes you sad.
so sad to see how some people reduce their life to an image they try to represent so desperatly. they behave as if they'd have conversation about important things, but it's all so shallow and makes you develop sympathy when you listen to it for just one minute. they have nothing in their lifes except their image and it's just sad.
but well, today wasn't so bad.
there were these two girls, sitting on one of the smaller tables in the corners opposite to the window. they were giggling and laughing, which isn't a usual picture for a brunch at the four seasons. it was obvious they were excited; i'm pretty sure this was one thing they always wanted to do in their life: have brunch at a posh, expensive hotel along with posh, expensive people and giggle. *smiles* it was amusing to watch them, originals among artifical images.
the really good thing about working during brunch is, that you can eat the stuff which is left over after the brunch is finished. so usually, after we've finished the cleaning and all that, we -the waiters, cooks etc- sit down in the kitchen for a bit and eat delicous meals for free. scampis and sushi was left over today, for reasons i cannot recall cause it was brilliant.
i think i gonna go looking for people i haven't seen for ages and who really kinda miss right now. like black-haired girls *smiles* and guys with cameras. i've heard scott is sick, maybe i knock on his door and pop my head in, my immun system is still in brilliant shape, so i don't think i gonna catch his flu of doom.
i feel like writing,
but i can't find the words.
as if i can't reach them.
as if i don't want to reach them.
it's not really like a writers block;
i feel like writing,
but i don't mind if i can't.
i feel good right now.
i don't care if the words stopped coming to me for the moment.
October 10th, 2003
|12:34 am - [pe]|
but i've got somewhere to go
somewhere i know someone will warm me
where i know arms will be put around me
and hold me tight
shield away what it's outside their circle
where a voice will wrapp me tenderly
caress me to sleep
telling sweetness in lies
his appartment is hugh, it's stuffed with books and paintings. dark painted walls lighted up by big bright windows; looking through them down to the street bellow appears like watching a different, scary world from a save, shielded island. from the first second it felt for me like that, save.
it smells like paper and leather in his livingroom. the big old armchair in the corner welcoms you to rest. he's sitting in it right in this very moment, reading; wearing his old dark red sweater he only wears at home, chewing on a pen while he reads. he won't tell me what it is, but i think they're assignments from last weeks creative writing class. i'm sitting opposite from him, on the leather sofa, a dark blanket wrapped around my legs, i was doing some work for class tomorrow, researches. but now i'm tired of it and just want to lay down and sleep. i know he'll gonna stay up for a little while and then later he'll crawle under the blanket to me and he'll kiss my cheek although i'm sleeping and i will dream of that.
music: stuart chuckling about something he's reading
October 8th, 2003
|04:12 pm - [pe]|
the phone rings
and i know it's him
i pick up
and my heart smiles
hearing his voice
how he smiles
makes me feel light
and free and loved
how did it happen? i can't remember *smiles*
suddenly it was there.
we met one night, four weeks ago, by accident. outside a cafe.
and it felt as if it just couldn't have been avoided;
that he took my hand on the way home and that we hide in a dark corner for the first real kiss.
i care so incredible less about any of the complications, like pretending not to be as close as we really are in front of others, like thinking up excusses for not being around campus, i care so less about it as long i can feel at least his lips once a day.
life is good.
music: lenny kravitz - heaven help
|03:55 pm - i'm updating? *blinks*|
i find time to write into my journal again?!
i work a lot, almost all the time, in case anyone asks why he/she hasn't seen me around campus a lot except classes. i still have the job in the little bookstore, which is great. usually i go there right after classes, can work there for my assignemts just as well, actually even better as they have all the books i need for my studies and the owner just knows almost everything about american writers, which helps for american literature classes *smiles*
beside the bookstore i also started working as waiter in the four seasons three nights a week a while back. the job is...well...a job *smiles* but the money is decent. i won't have any problems going home for christmas this year, which is wonderful.
so, i work quite a lot and have less time, but life is good though.
music: lenny kravitz - always on the run